Secrets of a Good Marriage

Secrets of a Good Marriage

1.  Two times a week, my wife and I go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. 
    She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2.  We also sleep in separate beds.  
      Hers is in Chicago and mine is in NYC.

3.  I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4.  I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 
     “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.   
      So I suggested the kitchen.

5.  We always hold hands. 
      If I let go, she shops.

6.  She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” 
       The driver said, “No, jump in!”

7.  Remember - Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.       
       Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

8.  I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. 
         I don’t like to interrupt her.

9.  The last fight was my fault. 

        My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” 

        I said, “ Dust!”

Sheer Surprise

The Husband’s Last Gift

A husband walks into Fredrick’s of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. 
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on.  

Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that I might as well be nude. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
 
The husband says, 
“Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot...

Funeral services are pending.

 

Female Attraction

An old guy, not in the best of shape, was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.
 
He asked the nearby trainer, “What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?”

The trainer looked him up and down and said,   “I’d try the ATM in the lobby.” 

Finding your Spouse

While she’s Shopping

 

Two guys are moving about in a store when they collide. One says to the other, “Excuse me, but I’m looking for my wife.”

“What a coincidence - so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”

“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”

“She’s tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight butt.  What’s your wife look like?”

“Never mind, let’s look for yours!”